Delete “should” from your vocabulary

In Dutch, there’s no direct equivalent to “should”. We have “zou moeten” which translates to “would must”; something that would be better if you must do it. But this is a fairly heavy expression that I don’t hear being used often. English speaking people however, throw around ‘shoulds’ all the time.

“I should call my mom more often.”

“I should do the dishes.”

“I shouldn’t eat this much sugar.”

“I should go outside more.”

And then they never do. Because they don’t actually want to do these things.

My dad would often say “Ik moet helemaal niets”, translating roughly to “I don’t have to do anything”. He was a hardworking and successful man who enjoyed the pleasures of life. He wasn’t lazy but he carved out a strange path for himself that he walked very deliberately and diligently. He didn’t listen to other people, and he didn’t put things off. He got them done. I respect him greatly for this and I aim to emulate this in my own life. I only do things I want to do. I only do things I choose to do. I don’t do things purely for the praise of others. I don’t do things just because other people are doing them. When I see the value in something, I will do it. Let me note that I’m not arguing for hyper-individualism here. Do things for other people, but the point is that you WANT to do it. I think anyone with a brain who sits down and thinks about the uses of being pro-social will conclude that being nice to people actually frikkin’ rules ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ✩‧₊.

Delete ‘should’ from your vocabulary and replace it with practical language.

The word ‘should’ makes you put things off. It’s too vague. When will you do this? Why?

“I should do the laundry.”

Then you procrastinate doing the laundry for another week until you finally “get around to it”. All the while, this ‘should’ is looming over you, clogging up your mind. But hey, at least you know you should do it. You’re a moral person! You’re a good person! You know right from wrong. But you’re not taking action to align yourself with your values.

Words can be a powerful tool to reshape your life and your mind. The more something gets repeated to you, the more likely you are to eventually believe it. This is how propaganda works and this is how brainwashing works. I’m a big fan of brainwashing yourself into becoming the person you want to be. Replace “I should” with “I will”. This will make it more likely you’ll carry out the action. Turn vague language into specific language and hold yourself accountable. Keep to your word instead of using vague language to dodge responsibility. Figure out what you want in life and work towards it.

“I will do the laundry on Tuesday.”

Figuring out what you want in life is usually the hard part. This brings me to the second way ‘should’ is making your life worse. We often hold ‘shoulds’ that aren’t even ours. When people are talking about ‘shoulds’ they’re discussing moral claims, ideals. They’re pointing towards underlying narratives without explicitly stating them.

When your inner voice tells you that “you should do X or Y”, ask yourself, where is this voice coming from? Who is telling you that you should do this? Maybe it is your inner moral compass, or the ideal version of yourself. But maybe it is your condescending mother, your childhood bullies, or societal expectations at large whispering in your ear. Just because someone, somewhere, told you that you ‘should’ do something does not mean you have to do it. What is it that YOU want to achieve in life? What do YOU think makes a person good? What is YOUR ideal version of yourself? You don’t have to do anything. You can organize your life the way you want. ‘Should’ is too vague. It masks the source of the claim.

“I should study more”

Why? Did your parents tell you to study for three hours every day no matter what? Do your peers seem to be studying more than you? Are your grades not what you want them to be? Do you want to deepen your understanding of a subject? Figure out what it is that you want and align yourself with your goals.

Replace “I should study more” with something that reveals the motivation to you:

“I’d like to know more about this topic, I’ll look into it this afternoon.”

“I’d like a B or higher in this class, I’ll try to prep before every lecture.”

Holding other people’s “shoulds” will make you miserable. Because you don’t actually want to do these things. Whether you are intrinsically or extrinsically motivated for something, you’ll need to actually WANT THE THING in order to GET THE THING AND BE HAPPY WITH IT. If your friends tell you to keep your apartment cleaner because it’ll be good for you, you can tell yourself “ah yeah I should really do that.” But unless you truly understand why keeping your apartment clean will help you in life ~☆~ unless it actually clicks for you ~☆~ you won’t want to do it. Consequently, you’re not going to do it! You’ll live in filth and not only be miserable about that, but on top of that you’ll also be miserable because you ‘should’ do something and you’re not doing it. The only things you ‘should’ do in life are the things you want to do. The things that align with your values and your goals.

So far, I’ve been arguing to delete deontic uses of ‘should’ from your vocabulary. Or, using it to express obligation or what ought to be done. Especially the personal and self-defeating uses of ‘should’. But ‘should’ does have some legitimacy in the English language. I have no qualms with using ‘should’ to express a reasonable expectation based on evidence: “The train should arrive at 3pm” or “This approach should solve the problem”. But I urge you to be aware of the language you’re using and to delete the parts that are making you more miserable.

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